Fifty Shades of 50

So I turned fifty last week and have to admit it was like my own personal Y2K.

I wanted to stay up till midnight to see if my systems shut off. They didn’t, but the next few days were a whirlwind of physiological and psychological developments. So much so, that even though I said I wouldn’t blog about my birthday for another fifty years, there are some vital things learned about turning fifty last week I feel compelled to share with you.

So if you haven’t turned fifty yet…here are some things to get prepared to deal with:

1. People now know you’re 50.

2. You can’t buy a car with seat heat anymore because apparently activating lower end warmth causes people my age to spontaneously orgasm.

3. Your business class meal on all flights is now three courses of green jelly

4. You can’t convince your kids that you were actually alive the last time the Leafs won the Stanley Cup.

5. All of your great work stories that include the two words “fax machine” are lost on your co-workers.

6. Kids you coached in sports are now asking you to coach their kids.

7. When you ask the barber to trim your nose hairs he will ask if you prefer them in dreadlocks.

8. For the first time ever you notice the retirement homes along the route of your morning commute.

9. Cab drivers automatically pop their trunks to store your mobility device.

10. You’re shocked you’re the exact same age as the Canadian flag.

11. Nipple erections aren’t treatable.

12. Body parts designed to emit liquids are now emitting solids.

13. Body parts designed to emit solids are now emitting liquids.

14. Body parts designed to emit nothing have sprung savage leaks.

15. You fall asleep at family events.

16. You fall asleep in meetings.

17. People are ecstatic you fall asleep in meetings.

18. Your middle of the night pee will become hourly.

19. Your window to enjoy your morning pee will be less than sixty seconds after you wake up.

20. You’ve lost the words “those people look like they are in their fifties” from your vocabulary.

21. Gossiping is more dangerous because you’ve probably used up every target you’ve met.

22. The Prime Minister sends you a birthday card that reads Happy 50th on the outside and a reminder to vote sticker for your Daytimer.

23. You get carpel tunnel in your wrist from holding your iPhone at a 14 degree angle, four feet away from your face, so you can read your email.

24. People stand ten feet away from you when they wish you Happy Birthday due to a Mayan myth that age is a contagious disease.

25. Acne plastered McDonald’s cashiers direct your attention to a menu board with extra large type.

26. You’re assessed a $189 fine for not getting a fireworks permit for your birthday cake.

27. The only jury duty you’re qualified to perform is for The People’s Court.

28. No one told you The People’s Court went off the air in ’97.

29. Harshly the expression “Drink’em pretty” now applies to you.

30. The Freshmen 15 is a period of life you now envy.

31. It’s worrisome that your shrink may finally convince you that Happy Days wasn’t Reality TV.

32. Being replaced in your job by a class of ’05 Grad.

33. Finding out that the every person endorsing you on LinkedIn are also unemployed.

34. Realizing that your Facebook posts to impress you niece and nephew don’t beget much attention given they aren’t on Facebook, because you are.

35. You thought Labatt 50 was named in your honour.

36. You find out Luba isn’t performing at the Ontario Place Forum this summer.

37. You’re even more surprised to find out the Forum doesn’t exist.

38. Remarkably you’re even surprised that Ontario Place has closed.

39. Your high school has been torn down due to old age.

40. The Top 40 Under 40 committee has, for the 10th consecutive year, sent back your application with a stern request to reread the eligibility criteria.

41. You’re astonished to hear there never was a “New Economy”

42. Tragically you have been forced to deal with the fact your website called www.snailmail.com isn’t going to be successful.

43. Being told that your use of the expression “Back in the Day” when you begin a story isn’t actually necessary.

44. You used to love smelling your own farts, but one of those functions isn’t working anymore.

45. When you giggle after farting, people scurry to find a mop and pail.

46. Convincing people that Tim Horton was a real person, and Ronald McDonald wasn’t, will take up a lot of your time.

47. People think they’re being complimentary when asking, with a fake smile, “You’re 50?” with a newly adopted hillbilly twang.

48. GQ will pay you to terminate your subscription in order to maintain their brand image.

49. For some strange reason the drug store advised you aren’t old enough yet to purchase Depends, despite the daytime leftovers you uncover every night when you change into your pyjamas.

50. The way people call you Sir or Madam suspiciously doesn’t sound like it’s out of respect…..